A Mother's Musings and Mumblings

I’ve been talking to a lot of people lately about the crisis of faith I’m having about my career. There’s something about watching a younger, less experienced man promoted over the top of you that can cause you to have a lot of questions. Even my shrink tells me this is a normal reaction.

Anyway, one conversation was with a woman in the field who is years ahead of me in her career. We shared stories (yes, I know things are getting better, but they still aren’t fair) and she told me that women like me are part of the problem.

She didn’t say that to be mean. Let me explain. She said that women like me make it look too easy. We have a great career, keep on top of developments in the field, continue our education, produce at work AND raise kids (in my case as a single mother). When the men in charge see this, of course they don’t feel compelled to reward all that hard work – it doesn’t look hard.

That conversation happened weeks ago and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Mainly because as it becomes clear that I need to find a new job I’ve been having panic attacks. What’s out there? What will I end up doing? How is that going to impact my schedule with the kids? Will I like it? What will be the long-term impact on my career? See? My chest is getting tight now.

And despite this, nobody around me knows I’m feeling this way. Why should they? There’s nothing they could do to help and there’s no point in upsetting anyone. In short, I’m doing it again – I’m making this look easy.

This is where I could turn my blog post into a long character dissection about why and how it is that I am compelled to be so stoic about so many things. Don’t worry, I’ll save it for my shrink. The point for you, dearest reader, is to know that this is not easy, I AM in a state of panic and this will pass. I know how to put one foot in front of the other and I certainly have learned somewhere in the last 43 years how to land on my feet.

I think I’ve discovered the female version of the “midlife crisis.” Men, so the stereotype goes, have a midlife crisis and chase after younger women and faster cars in an effort to relive their youth. I’m beginning to question that. If it were a matter of reliving one’s youth, why wouldn’t women be equally afflicted?

I think it’s something a bit different. Maybe it’s not reliving but a grieving for the road not taken. I understand that, but still question why women wouldn’t have similar reactions to similar feelings. And while I’m sure there are women out there who do, my circle of friends and I are having a different sort of midlife crisis.

Career women all, we’re getting to that age and beginning to question what we want to do when we grow up. Not because we don’t love our jobs – we uniformly do – but because we’ve all learned that our jobs don’t love us. We’ve slaved and sacrificed only to discover that we can go no further – in many cases because we lack penises. We’re underpaid, overworked, and unappreciated. And across the board we’re toying with ideas as drastic as catering, writing and coffee shops as good uses of our advanced degrees.

I think this is the female version of the midlife crisis. Men feel unappreciated at home and seek the attention of younger women to give their egos a much needed boost. Women feel unappreciated at work and find themselves floundering to figure out what comes next.  If anyone figures it out – let me know.